Final Pound Cake Recipe

Ingredients

Wet

3 sticks butter, room temp

2 c. White sugar

3-5 eggs, room temp (more makes denser crumb?)

Dry

3 c. all-purpose flour

1 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

Other

1 c milk

1 tsp vanilla extract

Directions

Mixer Attachments: Whisk, flat beater, pouring shield (if you have one)

Oven: 350°F

Grease and flour 2 loaf pans or 1 tube/bundt pan.

Attach whisk.

Cream butter on high speed.

Add sugar, a little at a time, on medium-high speed.

Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating on high after each addition until completely combined.

Stir/sift dry ingredients together in a bowl and add to mixer (on med) alternately with milk, starting with the flour and ending with the flour.

Switch out to flat beater.

Mix in vanilla and lemon juice (on low).

Pour into 2 greased and floured loaf pans and bake for 30mins, until a toothpick inserted in the centre of the cake comes out slightly tacky. 1 hr if in a bundt/tube pan.

Turn off oven and leave cake in oven to cool 1hr.

Take cake out of oven and run a spatula along the edges to loosen, then turn out onto wire rack to finish cooling upside down.

After bottom of cake is dry to the touch, slice up with smooth-edged chef knife from the bottom, then put in plastic bags. If you don’t slice it, wrap it in foil. Both should be stored at room temp in the pantry, not the fridge.

CAKE LOG: LET'S FUCK WITH THIS RECIPE, NOW

CHANGE LOG: MADE A HALF RECIPE BECAUSE NOW WE ARE DOING SOME SCIENCE, CHILDREN.

Ingredients

Wet

1 ½ sticks butter

1 c white sugar

3 eggs

Dry

1 ½ c all-purpose flour

½ tsp salt

1 teaspoon baking powder

Other

½ c milk

½ tsp vanilla extract

11 tsp lemon juice 

Summary: Highlights are changes that are more or less than halved.  

Method Notes:

• Whipped this one more than usual. Turned mixer up and left it even as I was measuring things in. Made the cake fluffier and lighter. Eggs did cause peaks, so I whipped it at least that much.
• Switching out the shortening for all-butter really improved the taste.
• That much lemon juice is still only giving it a faint hint of lemon. More next time.
• Possibly add ¼ cup of sugar next time, cake was a little not-sweet-enough.
• Very fragile and difficult to cut, not sure how to make cake sturdier? Sugar? Less baking powder? Was the shortening making it sturdy?
• Oldies music while making batter increases betterness of cake.Especially Beach Boys.

Photo Documentation:

WIDE SHOT. BONUS DUTCH ANGLE.

CRUMB.

  

TOP SHOT. NOTE GOLDEN CRUST. NO I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY IT MAKES ITS OWN GLAZE.

IN WHICH I ACCIDENTALLY A GLORIOUS FUCKING CAKE

So I was talking to my husband, and we were making a candy kinkiverse (like you do) and I was struck with the sudden realisation that oh my giddy fuck I can make a whole goddamned cake and no one can fucking stop me because I'm a FUCKING adult.

The Roxby flung a recipe at me because I am terrible at wading through the mountains of recipes on the internet, and I ended up with this PDeen recipe. Gonna tell you now, son, this is not a recipe I recommend. Woman uses way too much sugar; like, damn you trying to single-handedly support C&H or smth?

(You have to understand something about the recipes now. I have a stand mixer. Let me preach to you the fucking glory. Angels. Choirs of 'em. Flaming wheels within wheels fucking singing gloria to this fucking machine. Get thee a stand mixer, child. For real. I made deals I'm not proud of to get mine, and I still don't regret that shit. I would drift toward them whenever I passed by in stores man, like some kind of asteroid or some goddamn thing. STANDMIXERS. Shit, KitchenAid should pay me. And yes, get your ass a KitchenAid. I have used a Sunbeam and that is made of balls. KitchenAid, old son.)

this recipe makes a cake I do not actually approve of, as far as taste. Consider yourself warned. This is a fucking log, bc remember kids: without a log it isn't science, it's just dicking around.

Preliminaries:
Oven: 350ºF/180ºC/Oven Mark 4 (fuck, you guys use a fucking cipher what the hell why is everything more fun in Europe?)
Stand Mixer Attachments: Whisk (first), Flat Beater (later), Pouring Shield
Room Temperature This Shit: 2 sticks (half a pound) of SALTED butter. And save those fucking wrappers. 4oz (half a cup) Shortening. 5 eggs. 1 lemon. Do not forget the eggs. Get the freshest goddamned eggs you can find. Large ones. You don't need fucking extra large steroid ass eggs come on who needs those. Don't be that guy.

Ingredients
Wet
•    1/2 lb (2 sticks) butter, room temp
•    1/2 cup vegetable shortening, room temp (after half a pound of butter I question how necessary this is)
•    3 cups white sugar (THIS. IS WAY. TOO MUCH GODDAMNED SUGAR)
•    5 eggs, room temp (ok but apparently this is non-negotiable)
Dry
•    3 cups all-purpose flour
•    1 tsp salt
•    1 tsp baking powder
Other
•    1 cup milk
•    1 tsp vanilla extract
•    1 tsp lemon juice (or more. I'm gonna put a whole lemon in there next time)

DID YOU SAVE THE BUTTER WRAPPERS, MOTHERFUCKERS. I HOPE YOU DID. Rub those all over two 9x5x3"/6.8 cup loaf pans aw yiss. Or, you know, a bundt pan if you a fancy pants.THIS MAKES A SHIT TON OF CAKE JUST SO YOU KNOW. LIKE 12 CUPS OF BATTER. FUCKING CHRIST. Dust with flour. That shit is hard to do and will get mess all over don't even worry about that just do it over a trashcan. OR YOU KNOW GET THAT FANCY ASS SPRAY COS DAMN I LOVE MODERN CONVENIENCES.

In a separate bowl, sift or mix together your flour and shit. Dry ingredients. Put that aside and clean up the fucking mess you made. Don't even start with me. Any time you measure flour there is flour everywhere. This is a law of the fucking universe. I have had tupperware containers and scoops for flour, and flour still got everywhere don't fucking act like there is a way to prevent that.

Unwrap the butter and slap the shortening into the bowl and put on the whisk. Set your mixer to 'Whip the Goddamn Shit Out of This', and beat the ever-loving hell out of it. Stop and scrape the bowl thoroughly at least twice, until you are absolutely sure that butter is dead as a doornail.

Now you're going to turn it down to not-quite-so-ludicrous speed, like maybe 5, and just slowly—or in fits and starts, whatever—add the sugar. Once you have all of it in there, start cranking the speed back up. Scrape the bowl again (have I mentioned you should be turning the fucking mixer off before you stick your fucking spatula in there? Jesus H Christ, do you want to break your wrist into tiny pieces? Use your head, kid), make sure that sugar is creamed. Add your warm eggs one at a time, beating the shit out of the thoroughly after every egg. You want to beat this batter into utter submission at this stage, cos once you add the flour you need to leave that shit alone and barely mix it at all.

It'd be a good idea to add the vanilla and lemon and salt at this point. Now turn that shit off and switch out the whisk for the flat beater, and put on the pour shield if you haven't already, shit's about to get real.

You're gonna add that flour a spoon at a time, and alternate with the milk—not that this is hard or anything, but start and end with flour. No I don't know why, who do you think I am, Alton Brown? Now get a fucking spoon.

Scrape the flour into the bowl while the mixer is on LOW, like 3 or smth. Low speed. Once everything is blended up—scrape the bowl again. I should not have to keep telling you, you should know by now you need to be doing that at least twice, and checking to make sure everything is being assimilated.

Split the batter between the loaf pans. I'm assuming you have at least that much in the way of basic fractions skills. Put them in the oven and set a timer for half an hour. Does your oven have a window? Is it a CLEAN fucking window? Does your oven have a light? You fancy motherfucker. After half an hour you check that shit. Does it still look wet in there?

As for the rest of you: MAKE SURE THE GODDAMNED WINDOWS ARE CLOSED WHEN THAT TIMER GOES OFF, I'M BOUT TO TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING RISKY. YOU FUCKING READY?

Get a flashlight and crack open the oven. Do the cakes look wet still? Ok close the oven back up, don't fucking gawp like a fucking tool. You should take like a maximum of ten seconds to check this shit, then get out of there and reset the timer. Cakes are not exact with the time, bc it depends on the oven and altitude and shit like that. What you want is to keep it in there until it looks slightly golden brown on the edges, then take a skewer and stab it gently. And when the stuff that comes out is sticky but doesn't drip, like the consistency of that rubber cement they use to glue credit cards and shit to acceptance letters, turn the oven off and close it and LEAVE THE CAKES IN THERE.

Now go watch Wreck-it Ralph, or a couple episodes of Hannibal, or Grimm, or Glee, or whatever the hell your drug of choice is. Have some raisins. Play with your critter. Have some sex, I don't fucking care. Put the cake from your mind for at least a couple hours. Watch the entire extended version of one (JUST ONE jfc) of the Lord of the Rings movies. Then come back and the cakes should be cool enough to handle with your bare hands. Use a fucking mitt anyway, unless you're some kind of dwarf which I know you aren't because dwarrows are fictional. Take a dull butter knife or a long rectangular spatula and go along the edges, straight up and down. Don't drag it along the side what is wrong with you. Now, flip them little fuckers upside down onto a wire rack and let them cool that way. They should still be warm. Not fucking lukewarm, but body temperature at least, maybe the temperature you always want your heating pad to be but it never is. You know.

Now go watch another episode of whatever.

Ok now get a smooth, really fucking sharp knife, and start at the corner, slowly slicing. You should slice this into like twelve or more pieces, this cake is rich as fuck and you WILL get fucking SICK AS A HORSE if you just chow down on like 1/4 of a loaf at a time. Don't do it. Believe me.

You can dip this in peach juice or lemonade or some damn tart thing. Or tea, that's ok. Tart juice is better. Also pour fruit all over it. Strawberries or some shit I don't care. It's good. Put it in your face.

I fucked up the steps really badly (did eggs and then sugar, forgot the vanilla and had to go back, it was a fucking shitshow), but still ended up with the following:

LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. YEAH.

THIS IS WHAT ALL THAT BEATING GETS YOU.

Golden Tassies. You know you want to know what the hell THAT means

Old son we about to get started on some cookies. I'm posting this today because one of my new friends, Miss C, has been fucking attacked by every upper respiratory bastard it is possible to get infected with. No lie, son. Can't make her the cookies as she's across the damn country and I'm broke-ass, so at least I can give her the recipe.


Crust
¼ lb. butter or margarine
3 oz. cream cheese
1 cup flour

Soften butter and cream cheese by leaving in mixing bowl, on the counter (covered) for a few hours. Do not be an impatient little bastard and try to microwave them--just go pop in a damn movie, and use that microwave the way God intended--for popcorn.

Add flour to the softened cream cheese and butter, and blend thoroughly, either with two butter knives or a pastry blender. Form into little walnut-sized balls, and line the cups of a mini-muffin pan with dough. Try not to handle the dough too much, and try also not to flour it too much—both of these things make the dough less tasty. Set aside lined pans. You might want to clip your nails as short as possible or pull on some latex gloves. Also, flouring your hands is damn useful but use it sparingly or you'll end up with some chewy nastiness that tastes like dustbunnies.

Filling
¾ cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg
1 tbls. Melted butter (you can use the microwave for this)
1 tsp. vanilla
¼ tsp. salt
1 cup chopped pecans

Over low heat in a small saucepan, add everything but pecans, saving the egg and vanilla for last--you do not want the egg to go first, because scrambled eggs in your cookies is gnarly. Stir until everything is blended, then add the pecans. Spoon this mixture into the pastry cups, and leave just a little bit of crust peeking out when you fill them.

Bake at 375° Fahrenheit for 15-17 minutes, THEN lower the heat to 250° and bake for 20 minutes.

Makes 24.

You might want to make more than one batch because these will disappear like the evidence proving Creationism. Fact.

Oh, and if you end up with more shells than filling, just dig in your fridge for some jam and fill them with that. You can give those to people you don't like.

EDIT 'But I don't have NUTS!' YOU KNOW WHAT. RAISINS IS WHAT. I SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE TO SAY THIS.

TAMALE GODDAMNED PIE

SON. TODAY WE 'BOUT TO MAKE MY FAVOURITE GODDAMNED DISH IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. NO LIE. YOU READY TO BLOW YOUR MIND? LET ME SHOW YOU THIS AMAZING FUCKING CASSEROLE RIGHT HERE, CHILD. GET YOUR ASS INTO THE KITCHEN.


1 cup chopped onion
1 cup chopped green pepper
¾ lb. ground beef/turkey/whatever you want that's made of dead animal
16 oz. canned seasoned tomato sauce
12 oz. canned whole-kernel corn, drained
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tbls. Sugar
1 tsp. salt
2-3 tsp. chili powder
Dash pepper
1 ½ cups shredded cheddar cheese

Cook onion and green pepper in a little hot oil until just tender. Add meat; brown lightly and then drain all that grease because gross. Add next 8 ingredients, simmer 20-25 minutes until thick. Add cheese, stir until melted. Pour into greased 10’x6’x1 ½’ baking dish.

In a separate, small saucepan…

¾ cup yellow corn meal
½ tsp. salt
2 cups cold water
1 tbls. Butter

Stir corn meal and salt into cold water, cook and stir until thick--THICK, damn it. Like PASTE. Add butter and mix well. Spoon over hot meat mixture evenly, until all is covered.

Bake in 375° Fahrenheit oven for about 40 minutes, or until the top is crispy. Serves 6-9.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

LiveJournal Strike 2008 Cookies.

I invented this recipe the day of the LJ Strike 2008, so I thought it fitting they be named after it. Yup, I invent shit when you take away my social-blogging-network-thingummy. THIS IS HOW I ROLL.

2 ¼ c. Flour
½ c. cocoa powder
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt

1 c. butter, softened
1 ½ c. brown sugar, unpacked
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
3-4 spoonfuls sour cream

Preheat over to 375° Fahrenheit and wash hands. Sift or mix the dry ingredients; set aside. Using a mixer, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg and vanilla. Add in sour cream. Cover mixing bowl and put in refrigerator. Watch a movie. Spoon balls of dough about the size of a walnut onto un-greased cooky sheets. Bake 8-10 minutes. Cookies will be chewy.


WATCHING THE MOVIE IS A CRITICAL STEP, SON.

HOW TO MAKE OATMEAL.

Don't look at me like that, son; y'all only think you know how to make oatmeal!

You're Gonna Need:
- 1/2 c. Rolled Quick Oats
- Butter
- Salt
- Heavy Whipping Cream
- Brown Sugar
- RAISINS!
- Some ground spices. Cinnamon, allspice, clove and nutmeg are all good choices.

- microwave-safe bowl
- spoon(s)
- measuring cups or glass measuring pitcher/cup
- a microwave (THIS IS CRITICAL)

First, get yourself some rolled quick oats. The kind with the smiling man on them, you know. Starts with a Q. Measure out 1/2 cup into a microwave bowl that is about four times bigger than 1/2 cup. Measure about 3/4 cup of water into this. Add RAISINS! (about 1/4 to 1/3 cup); I guess you could add craisins, nuts or other dried fruit, but I am all about RAISINS! as you know. Get a spoon and stir this all around until everything is wet and mixed up.

Put a paper towel over it and stick it in the microwave. There are instructions for this on the canister, and everyone's microwave is different. Right now I'm using one that likes to make shit explode, so I go for 90 seconds on 80% power.

Now comes the different part. You ready for this? Your oatmeal should be sticky as hell about now, so dig your spoon down to the bottom and kinda lift it so you can see the bottom of your bowl, and pour in a little bit of that whipping cream. 3-4 tablespoons worth, not a whole lot. Now stir it in really well--STIR.

Now get your spices, butter and salt. Get about a tablespoon of butter in there (again, no need to be exact, just use a regular spoon). Stir it around. Add a dash of salt*. Stir it around. Lightly dust the top with whatever spice before, you guessed it, stirring it around.

Now comes the tricky part. After you have all that neatly blended, get your brown sugar out and put in a couple spoonfuls. This time, only lightly stir it--you want to fold the oatmeal really gently, so that the sugar isn't evenly blended and you have a kind of sugar-swirl going on. So, don't stir it too much.

Now, put all your things away. THAT, my friend. THAT is oatmeal.

*I'm of the 'always add a dash of salt to any sweet dish so it isn't cloying' school. I do not like cloying sweetness; but you might, so I'm explaining what the salt is for just in case.