Golden Tassies. You know you want to know what the hell THAT means

Old son we about to get started on some cookies. I'm posting this today because one of my new friends, Miss C, has been fucking attacked by every upper respiratory bastard it is possible to get infected with. No lie, son. Can't make her the cookies as she's across the damn country and I'm broke-ass, so at least I can give her the recipe.


Crust
¼ lb. butter or margarine
3 oz. cream cheese
1 cup flour

Soften butter and cream cheese by leaving in mixing bowl, on the counter (covered) for a few hours. Do not be an impatient little bastard and try to microwave them--just go pop in a damn movie, and use that microwave the way God intended--for popcorn.

Add flour to the softened cream cheese and butter, and blend thoroughly, either with two butter knives or a pastry blender. Form into little walnut-sized balls, and line the cups of a mini-muffin pan with dough. Try not to handle the dough too much, and try also not to flour it too much—both of these things make the dough less tasty. Set aside lined pans. You might want to clip your nails as short as possible or pull on some latex gloves. Also, flouring your hands is damn useful but use it sparingly or you'll end up with some chewy nastiness that tastes like dustbunnies.

Filling
¾ cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg
1 tbls. Melted butter (you can use the microwave for this)
1 tsp. vanilla
¼ tsp. salt
1 cup chopped pecans

Over low heat in a small saucepan, add everything but pecans, saving the egg and vanilla for last--you do not want the egg to go first, because scrambled eggs in your cookies is gnarly. Stir until everything is blended, then add the pecans. Spoon this mixture into the pastry cups, and leave just a little bit of crust peeking out when you fill them.

Bake at 375° Fahrenheit for 15-17 minutes, THEN lower the heat to 250° and bake for 20 minutes.

Makes 24.

You might want to make more than one batch because these will disappear like the evidence proving Creationism. Fact.

Oh, and if you end up with more shells than filling, just dig in your fridge for some jam and fill them with that. You can give those to people you don't like.

EDIT 'But I don't have NUTS!' YOU KNOW WHAT. RAISINS IS WHAT. I SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE TO SAY THIS.

HOW TO MAKE OATMEAL.

Don't look at me like that, son; y'all only think you know how to make oatmeal!

You're Gonna Need:
- 1/2 c. Rolled Quick Oats
- Butter
- Salt
- Heavy Whipping Cream
- Brown Sugar
- RAISINS!
- Some ground spices. Cinnamon, allspice, clove and nutmeg are all good choices.

- microwave-safe bowl
- spoon(s)
- measuring cups or glass measuring pitcher/cup
- a microwave (THIS IS CRITICAL)

First, get yourself some rolled quick oats. The kind with the smiling man on them, you know. Starts with a Q. Measure out 1/2 cup into a microwave bowl that is about four times bigger than 1/2 cup. Measure about 3/4 cup of water into this. Add RAISINS! (about 1/4 to 1/3 cup); I guess you could add craisins, nuts or other dried fruit, but I am all about RAISINS! as you know. Get a spoon and stir this all around until everything is wet and mixed up.

Put a paper towel over it and stick it in the microwave. There are instructions for this on the canister, and everyone's microwave is different. Right now I'm using one that likes to make shit explode, so I go for 90 seconds on 80% power.

Now comes the different part. You ready for this? Your oatmeal should be sticky as hell about now, so dig your spoon down to the bottom and kinda lift it so you can see the bottom of your bowl, and pour in a little bit of that whipping cream. 3-4 tablespoons worth, not a whole lot. Now stir it in really well--STIR.

Now get your spices, butter and salt. Get about a tablespoon of butter in there (again, no need to be exact, just use a regular spoon). Stir it around. Add a dash of salt*. Stir it around. Lightly dust the top with whatever spice before, you guessed it, stirring it around.

Now comes the tricky part. After you have all that neatly blended, get your brown sugar out and put in a couple spoonfuls. This time, only lightly stir it--you want to fold the oatmeal really gently, so that the sugar isn't evenly blended and you have a kind of sugar-swirl going on. So, don't stir it too much.

Now, put all your things away. THAT, my friend. THAT is oatmeal.

*I'm of the 'always add a dash of salt to any sweet dish so it isn't cloying' school. I do not like cloying sweetness; but you might, so I'm explaining what the salt is for just in case.

Paradisiacal Blueberry Muffins

1 3/4 c. flour
1 tbls. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
2/3 c. sugar
1 egg (beaten)
1/3 c. butter (melted)
1 c. milk
3/4 c. oats
1 1/2 c. blueberries

Preheat oven 400ºF. Mix/sift the first four ingredients together. Mix egg, butter and milk together, then add to the dry ingredients until just blended. Fold in oats and blueberries. Fill paper-lined muffin tins full. Bake 20 mins or until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean. Makes 12-14.

If you don't have blueberries, you know what also works? RAISINS!

Eat these in a few days, they don't keep very well--and anyway, they're so amazing that you and everyone else in the house will probably be fighting over them anyway.