IN WHICH I ACCIDENTALLY A GLORIOUS FUCKING CAKE

So I was talking to my husband, and we were making a candy kinkiverse (like you do) and I was struck with the sudden realisation that oh my giddy fuck I can make a whole goddamned cake and no one can fucking stop me because I'm a FUCKING adult.

The Roxby flung a recipe at me because I am terrible at wading through the mountains of recipes on the internet, and I ended up with this PDeen recipe. Gonna tell you now, son, this is not a recipe I recommend. Woman uses way too much sugar; like, damn you trying to single-handedly support C&H or smth?

(You have to understand something about the recipes now. I have a stand mixer. Let me preach to you the fucking glory. Angels. Choirs of 'em. Flaming wheels within wheels fucking singing gloria to this fucking machine. Get thee a stand mixer, child. For real. I made deals I'm not proud of to get mine, and I still don't regret that shit. I would drift toward them whenever I passed by in stores man, like some kind of asteroid or some goddamn thing. STANDMIXERS. Shit, KitchenAid should pay me. And yes, get your ass a KitchenAid. I have used a Sunbeam and that is made of balls. KitchenAid, old son.)

this recipe makes a cake I do not actually approve of, as far as taste. Consider yourself warned. This is a fucking log, bc remember kids: without a log it isn't science, it's just dicking around.

Preliminaries:
Oven: 350ºF/180ºC/Oven Mark 4 (fuck, you guys use a fucking cipher what the hell why is everything more fun in Europe?)
Stand Mixer Attachments: Whisk (first), Flat Beater (later), Pouring Shield
Room Temperature This Shit: 2 sticks (half a pound) of SALTED butter. And save those fucking wrappers. 4oz (half a cup) Shortening. 5 eggs. 1 lemon. Do not forget the eggs. Get the freshest goddamned eggs you can find. Large ones. You don't need fucking extra large steroid ass eggs come on who needs those. Don't be that guy.

Ingredients
Wet
•    1/2 lb (2 sticks) butter, room temp
•    1/2 cup vegetable shortening, room temp (after half a pound of butter I question how necessary this is)
•    3 cups white sugar (THIS. IS WAY. TOO MUCH GODDAMNED SUGAR)
•    5 eggs, room temp (ok but apparently this is non-negotiable)
Dry
•    3 cups all-purpose flour
•    1 tsp salt
•    1 tsp baking powder
Other
•    1 cup milk
•    1 tsp vanilla extract
•    1 tsp lemon juice (or more. I'm gonna put a whole lemon in there next time)

DID YOU SAVE THE BUTTER WRAPPERS, MOTHERFUCKERS. I HOPE YOU DID. Rub those all over two 9x5x3"/6.8 cup loaf pans aw yiss. Or, you know, a bundt pan if you a fancy pants.THIS MAKES A SHIT TON OF CAKE JUST SO YOU KNOW. LIKE 12 CUPS OF BATTER. FUCKING CHRIST. Dust with flour. That shit is hard to do and will get mess all over don't even worry about that just do it over a trashcan. OR YOU KNOW GET THAT FANCY ASS SPRAY COS DAMN I LOVE MODERN CONVENIENCES.

In a separate bowl, sift or mix together your flour and shit. Dry ingredients. Put that aside and clean up the fucking mess you made. Don't even start with me. Any time you measure flour there is flour everywhere. This is a law of the fucking universe. I have had tupperware containers and scoops for flour, and flour still got everywhere don't fucking act like there is a way to prevent that.

Unwrap the butter and slap the shortening into the bowl and put on the whisk. Set your mixer to 'Whip the Goddamn Shit Out of This', and beat the ever-loving hell out of it. Stop and scrape the bowl thoroughly at least twice, until you are absolutely sure that butter is dead as a doornail.

Now you're going to turn it down to not-quite-so-ludicrous speed, like maybe 5, and just slowly—or in fits and starts, whatever—add the sugar. Once you have all of it in there, start cranking the speed back up. Scrape the bowl again (have I mentioned you should be turning the fucking mixer off before you stick your fucking spatula in there? Jesus H Christ, do you want to break your wrist into tiny pieces? Use your head, kid), make sure that sugar is creamed. Add your warm eggs one at a time, beating the shit out of the thoroughly after every egg. You want to beat this batter into utter submission at this stage, cos once you add the flour you need to leave that shit alone and barely mix it at all.

It'd be a good idea to add the vanilla and lemon and salt at this point. Now turn that shit off and switch out the whisk for the flat beater, and put on the pour shield if you haven't already, shit's about to get real.

You're gonna add that flour a spoon at a time, and alternate with the milk—not that this is hard or anything, but start and end with flour. No I don't know why, who do you think I am, Alton Brown? Now get a fucking spoon.

Scrape the flour into the bowl while the mixer is on LOW, like 3 or smth. Low speed. Once everything is blended up—scrape the bowl again. I should not have to keep telling you, you should know by now you need to be doing that at least twice, and checking to make sure everything is being assimilated.

Split the batter between the loaf pans. I'm assuming you have at least that much in the way of basic fractions skills. Put them in the oven and set a timer for half an hour. Does your oven have a window? Is it a CLEAN fucking window? Does your oven have a light? You fancy motherfucker. After half an hour you check that shit. Does it still look wet in there?

As for the rest of you: MAKE SURE THE GODDAMNED WINDOWS ARE CLOSED WHEN THAT TIMER GOES OFF, I'M BOUT TO TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING RISKY. YOU FUCKING READY?

Get a flashlight and crack open the oven. Do the cakes look wet still? Ok close the oven back up, don't fucking gawp like a fucking tool. You should take like a maximum of ten seconds to check this shit, then get out of there and reset the timer. Cakes are not exact with the time, bc it depends on the oven and altitude and shit like that. What you want is to keep it in there until it looks slightly golden brown on the edges, then take a skewer and stab it gently. And when the stuff that comes out is sticky but doesn't drip, like the consistency of that rubber cement they use to glue credit cards and shit to acceptance letters, turn the oven off and close it and LEAVE THE CAKES IN THERE.

Now go watch Wreck-it Ralph, or a couple episodes of Hannibal, or Grimm, or Glee, or whatever the hell your drug of choice is. Have some raisins. Play with your critter. Have some sex, I don't fucking care. Put the cake from your mind for at least a couple hours. Watch the entire extended version of one (JUST ONE jfc) of the Lord of the Rings movies. Then come back and the cakes should be cool enough to handle with your bare hands. Use a fucking mitt anyway, unless you're some kind of dwarf which I know you aren't because dwarrows are fictional. Take a dull butter knife or a long rectangular spatula and go along the edges, straight up and down. Don't drag it along the side what is wrong with you. Now, flip them little fuckers upside down onto a wire rack and let them cool that way. They should still be warm. Not fucking lukewarm, but body temperature at least, maybe the temperature you always want your heating pad to be but it never is. You know.

Now go watch another episode of whatever.

Ok now get a smooth, really fucking sharp knife, and start at the corner, slowly slicing. You should slice this into like twelve or more pieces, this cake is rich as fuck and you WILL get fucking SICK AS A HORSE if you just chow down on like 1/4 of a loaf at a time. Don't do it. Believe me.

You can dip this in peach juice or lemonade or some damn tart thing. Or tea, that's ok. Tart juice is better. Also pour fruit all over it. Strawberries or some shit I don't care. It's good. Put it in your face.

I fucked up the steps really badly (did eggs and then sugar, forgot the vanilla and had to go back, it was a fucking shitshow), but still ended up with the following:

LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. YEAH.

THIS IS WHAT ALL THAT BEATING GETS YOU.

Golden Tassies. You know you want to know what the hell THAT means

Old son we about to get started on some cookies. I'm posting this today because one of my new friends, Miss C, has been fucking attacked by every upper respiratory bastard it is possible to get infected with. No lie, son. Can't make her the cookies as she's across the damn country and I'm broke-ass, so at least I can give her the recipe.


Crust
¼ lb. butter or margarine
3 oz. cream cheese
1 cup flour

Soften butter and cream cheese by leaving in mixing bowl, on the counter (covered) for a few hours. Do not be an impatient little bastard and try to microwave them--just go pop in a damn movie, and use that microwave the way God intended--for popcorn.

Add flour to the softened cream cheese and butter, and blend thoroughly, either with two butter knives or a pastry blender. Form into little walnut-sized balls, and line the cups of a mini-muffin pan with dough. Try not to handle the dough too much, and try also not to flour it too much—both of these things make the dough less tasty. Set aside lined pans. You might want to clip your nails as short as possible or pull on some latex gloves. Also, flouring your hands is damn useful but use it sparingly or you'll end up with some chewy nastiness that tastes like dustbunnies.

Filling
¾ cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg
1 tbls. Melted butter (you can use the microwave for this)
1 tsp. vanilla
¼ tsp. salt
1 cup chopped pecans

Over low heat in a small saucepan, add everything but pecans, saving the egg and vanilla for last--you do not want the egg to go first, because scrambled eggs in your cookies is gnarly. Stir until everything is blended, then add the pecans. Spoon this mixture into the pastry cups, and leave just a little bit of crust peeking out when you fill them.

Bake at 375° Fahrenheit for 15-17 minutes, THEN lower the heat to 250° and bake for 20 minutes.

Makes 24.

You might want to make more than one batch because these will disappear like the evidence proving Creationism. Fact.

Oh, and if you end up with more shells than filling, just dig in your fridge for some jam and fill them with that. You can give those to people you don't like.

EDIT 'But I don't have NUTS!' YOU KNOW WHAT. RAISINS IS WHAT. I SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE TO SAY THIS.

Lightning Fudge

1 lb powdered/confectioner's sugar
1/2 c. cocoa powder (unsweetened)
1 stick (1/2 c.) butter (actual goddamned butter, don't be a pussy)
1/4 c. milk (not skim--jesus, what is wrong with you? This is CANDY for fuck's sake)
1 tbls. vanilla
1/4 tsp. salt

Don't be an idiot and use a bowl you can't nuke. Seriously. You don't want plastic in your fudge, that shit is tragic. Unless you're trying to kill people, then, you know, whatever. You do what you goddamn want.

Empty the sugar into the bowl--DON'T INHALE, you don't want sugar-coated lungs, only Willy Wonka can handle that shit. Snorting powdered sugar is not nearly as awesome as it sounds, kiddies, believe me. Get the butter from the fridge (you weren't softening it, were you? GODDAMN THESE AREN'T COOKIES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE) and dice it; then sprinkle it in there. Okay, now get your fucking butter knives, and start cutting the butter up in there like the badass you are. Too much butter on the knife? Scrape that whore off and keep going. Keep going until your goddamn arms want to fall off. KEEP MOTHERFUCKING GOING, GODDAMNIT, YOU'VE GOT TO DISTRIBUTE THE BUTTER EVENLY OR THIS SHIT WON'T WORK.

Now you can reach for that goddamn spoon and mix the milk in--WHOLE MILK, but cream is also acceptable. Nuke the fuck out of that bitch, 2-3 minutes should melt all that butter. Pour in the vanilla--AND DON'T USE THAT PUSSY-ASS NON-ALCOHOLIC VANILLA. BOURBON, SON. DON'T HUFF THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT'LL FEEL LIKE BEES INFESTED YOUR SINUSES. DELICIOUS BEES. This is also the time you add in the salt. Don't bitch at me, add that shit in there, otherwise your fudge will go from a fucking epic heist movie to a shallow-ass Lifetime Original piece of crap.

Pour into a 9x9" glass dish (pan? Whatever the fuck it's called, you know what it is) and refrigerate OVERNIGHT. DON'T WHINE AT ME ABOUT THIS STEP, YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS ADULT. YOU CAN WAIT.


I am the motherfucking dealer in my house. No shit, son, I got them eating out of my hands like a boss whenever I make this. Fucking fantastic.