HOW TO MAKE OATMEAL.

Don't look at me like that, son; y'all only think you know how to make oatmeal!

You're Gonna Need:
- 1/2 c. Rolled Quick Oats
- Butter
- Salt
- Heavy Whipping Cream
- Brown Sugar
- RAISINS!
- Some ground spices. Cinnamon, allspice, clove and nutmeg are all good choices.

- microwave-safe bowl
- spoon(s)
- measuring cups or glass measuring pitcher/cup
- a microwave (THIS IS CRITICAL)

First, get yourself some rolled quick oats. The kind with the smiling man on them, you know. Starts with a Q. Measure out 1/2 cup into a microwave bowl that is about four times bigger than 1/2 cup. Measure about 3/4 cup of water into this. Add RAISINS! (about 1/4 to 1/3 cup); I guess you could add craisins, nuts or other dried fruit, but I am all about RAISINS! as you know. Get a spoon and stir this all around until everything is wet and mixed up.

Put a paper towel over it and stick it in the microwave. There are instructions for this on the canister, and everyone's microwave is different. Right now I'm using one that likes to make shit explode, so I go for 90 seconds on 80% power.

Now comes the different part. You ready for this? Your oatmeal should be sticky as hell about now, so dig your spoon down to the bottom and kinda lift it so you can see the bottom of your bowl, and pour in a little bit of that whipping cream. 3-4 tablespoons worth, not a whole lot. Now stir it in really well--STIR.

Now get your spices, butter and salt. Get about a tablespoon of butter in there (again, no need to be exact, just use a regular spoon). Stir it around. Add a dash of salt*. Stir it around. Lightly dust the top with whatever spice before, you guessed it, stirring it around.

Now comes the tricky part. After you have all that neatly blended, get your brown sugar out and put in a couple spoonfuls. This time, only lightly stir it--you want to fold the oatmeal really gently, so that the sugar isn't evenly blended and you have a kind of sugar-swirl going on. So, don't stir it too much.

Now, put all your things away. THAT, my friend. THAT is oatmeal.

*I'm of the 'always add a dash of salt to any sweet dish so it isn't cloying' school. I do not like cloying sweetness; but you might, so I'm explaining what the salt is for just in case.