So I was talking to my husband, and we were making a candy kinkiverse (like you do) and I was struck with the sudden realisation that oh my giddy fuck I can make a whole goddamned cake and no one can fucking stop me because I'm a FUCKING adult.

The Roxby flung a recipe at me because I am terrible at wading through the mountains of recipes on the internet, and I ended up with this PDeen recipe. Gonna tell you now, son, this is not a recipe I recommend. Woman uses way too much sugar; like, damn you trying to single-handedly support C&H or smth?

(You have to understand something about the recipes now. I have a stand mixer. Let me preach to you the fucking glory. Angels. Choirs of 'em. Flaming wheels within wheels fucking singing gloria to this fucking machine. Get thee a stand mixer, child. For real. I made deals I'm not proud of to get mine, and I still don't regret that shit. I would drift toward them whenever I passed by in stores man, like some kind of asteroid or some goddamn thing. STANDMIXERS. Shit, KitchenAid should pay me. And yes, get your ass a KitchenAid. I have used a Sunbeam and that is made of balls. KitchenAid, old son.)

this recipe makes a cake I do not actually approve of, as far as taste. Consider yourself warned. This is a fucking log, bc remember kids: without a log it isn't science, it's just dicking around.

Oven: 350ºF/180ºC/Oven Mark 4 (fuck, you guys use a fucking cipher what the hell why is everything more fun in Europe?)
Stand Mixer Attachments: Whisk (first), Flat Beater (later), Pouring Shield
Room Temperature This Shit: 2 sticks (half a pound) of SALTED butter. And save those fucking wrappers. 4oz (half a cup) Shortening. 5 eggs. 1 lemon. Do not forget the eggs. Get the freshest goddamned eggs you can find. Large ones. You don't need fucking extra large steroid ass eggs come on who needs those. Don't be that guy.

•    1/2 lb (2 sticks) butter, room temp
•    1/2 cup vegetable shortening, room temp (after half a pound of butter I question how necessary this is)
•    3 cups white sugar (THIS. IS WAY. TOO MUCH GODDAMNED SUGAR)
•    5 eggs, room temp (ok but apparently this is non-negotiable)
•    3 cups all-purpose flour
•    1 tsp salt
•    1 tsp baking powder
•    1 cup milk
•    1 tsp vanilla extract
•    1 tsp lemon juice (or more. I'm gonna put a whole lemon in there next time)

DID YOU SAVE THE BUTTER WRAPPERS, MOTHERFUCKERS. I HOPE YOU DID. Rub those all over two 9x5x3"/6.8 cup loaf pans aw yiss. Or, you know, a bundt pan if you a fancy pants.THIS MAKES A SHIT TON OF CAKE JUST SO YOU KNOW. LIKE 12 CUPS OF BATTER. FUCKING CHRIST. Dust with flour. That shit is hard to do and will get mess all over don't even worry about that just do it over a trashcan. OR YOU KNOW GET THAT FANCY ASS SPRAY COS DAMN I LOVE MODERN CONVENIENCES.

In a separate bowl, sift or mix together your flour and shit. Dry ingredients. Put that aside and clean up the fucking mess you made. Don't even start with me. Any time you measure flour there is flour everywhere. This is a law of the fucking universe. I have had tupperware containers and scoops for flour, and flour still got everywhere don't fucking act like there is a way to prevent that.

Unwrap the butter and slap the shortening into the bowl and put on the whisk. Set your mixer to 'Whip the Goddamn Shit Out of This', and beat the ever-loving hell out of it. Stop and scrape the bowl thoroughly at least twice, until you are absolutely sure that butter is dead as a doornail.

Now you're going to turn it down to not-quite-so-ludicrous speed, like maybe 5, and just slowly—or in fits and starts, whatever—add the sugar. Once you have all of it in there, start cranking the speed back up. Scrape the bowl again (have I mentioned you should be turning the fucking mixer off before you stick your fucking spatula in there? Jesus H Christ, do you want to break your wrist into tiny pieces? Use your head, kid), make sure that sugar is creamed. Add your warm eggs one at a time, beating the shit out of the thoroughly after every egg. You want to beat this batter into utter submission at this stage, cos once you add the flour you need to leave that shit alone and barely mix it at all.

It'd be a good idea to add the vanilla and lemon and salt at this point. Now turn that shit off and switch out the whisk for the flat beater, and put on the pour shield if you haven't already, shit's about to get real.

You're gonna add that flour a spoon at a time, and alternate with the milk—not that this is hard or anything, but start and end with flour. No I don't know why, who do you think I am, Alton Brown? Now get a fucking spoon.

Scrape the flour into the bowl while the mixer is on LOW, like 3 or smth. Low speed. Once everything is blended up—scrape the bowl again. I should not have to keep telling you, you should know by now you need to be doing that at least twice, and checking to make sure everything is being assimilated.

Split the batter between the loaf pans. I'm assuming you have at least that much in the way of basic fractions skills. Put them in the oven and set a timer for half an hour. Does your oven have a window? Is it a CLEAN fucking window? Does your oven have a light? You fancy motherfucker. After half an hour you check that shit. Does it still look wet in there?


Get a flashlight and crack open the oven. Do the cakes look wet still? Ok close the oven back up, don't fucking gawp like a fucking tool. You should take like a maximum of ten seconds to check this shit, then get out of there and reset the timer. Cakes are not exact with the time, bc it depends on the oven and altitude and shit like that. What you want is to keep it in there until it looks slightly golden brown on the edges, then take a skewer and stab it gently. And when the stuff that comes out is sticky but doesn't drip, like the consistency of that rubber cement they use to glue credit cards and shit to acceptance letters, turn the oven off and close it and LEAVE THE CAKES IN THERE.

Now go watch Wreck-it Ralph, or a couple episodes of Hannibal, or Grimm, or Glee, or whatever the hell your drug of choice is. Have some raisins. Play with your critter. Have some sex, I don't fucking care. Put the cake from your mind for at least a couple hours. Watch the entire extended version of one (JUST ONE jfc) of the Lord of the Rings movies. Then come back and the cakes should be cool enough to handle with your bare hands. Use a fucking mitt anyway, unless you're some kind of dwarf which I know you aren't because dwarrows are fictional. Take a dull butter knife or a long rectangular spatula and go along the edges, straight up and down. Don't drag it along the side what is wrong with you. Now, flip them little fuckers upside down onto a wire rack and let them cool that way. They should still be warm. Not fucking lukewarm, but body temperature at least, maybe the temperature you always want your heating pad to be but it never is. You know.

Now go watch another episode of whatever.

Ok now get a smooth, really fucking sharp knife, and start at the corner, slowly slicing. You should slice this into like twelve or more pieces, this cake is rich as fuck and you WILL get fucking SICK AS A HORSE if you just chow down on like 1/4 of a loaf at a time. Don't do it. Believe me.

You can dip this in peach juice or lemonade or some damn tart thing. Or tea, that's ok. Tart juice is better. Also pour fruit all over it. Strawberries or some shit I don't care. It's good. Put it in your face.

I fucked up the steps really badly (did eggs and then sugar, forgot the vanilla and had to go back, it was a fucking shitshow), but still ended up with the following:



1 comment:

  1. Ooh, CAKE! I am also confused about 3 cups sugar - that's a FUCKING lot of sugar and if I wanted to eat sugar I would, you know, eat sugar.
    And stand mixers are actually the best thing ever. They turn eggs into Angel food cake. And, you know, they do other shit too.
    Btw, if you feel like whipping the crap out of some eggs whites, this is the angel food recipe I use - Cake flour can be made by measuring 1 c. flour, removing 2 tbsp and adding 2 tsbp of corn starch instead before sifting (You may know that already, but I always feel the need to mention it because a mere thing like not owning a box that says cake flour on it is a terrible reason not to make cake). And everything is done with the whisk attachment.
    Also, if you know of a recipe that uses 12 egg yolks, please let me know.


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